Friday, February 8
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Its almost the start of my birthday in american eastern time.
Hello 2008.
Hello my 22nd year of life.
There are so many things I want to say and talk about I dont even know where to start. AT first I kind of want to bitch with whats going on with my life at the moment. but No. LEts not take that path just yet. Lets build this up:
For the good things in life.
I'm happy I knew Joey even if my childhood memory with her is pretty vague.
I'm happy I met Charissa, Kath and Fatima when I was grade 7.
I'm happy htat I met and became close friends with jopie no matter how short lived it was.
I'm happy I met Aurora, Greta and Erika when I was in 4th year high school.
I'm happy meeting with all of them during the summer and spending my time with them.
I'm happy that my parents are my parents. I'm happy that my family is my family. I'm happy my grandparents are my grandparents.
And I think that's how far my happiness goes.
When I came to america it became a bit weird. However, I was glad to explore philadelphia with Lauren. I was happy I over came Dan with Bizmark. I was happy I was a pseudo-intelectual with Jim. I was happy feeling nerdy with my nursing study group. I was happy I experienced improvising music with my violin with Dave's Guitar.
I'm happy with the people I met in america for a short while. Thats what I realized. I'd thank someone for the experiences of these alone. However, I dont want to relive that part of my life.
As for pratt, I feel like my life went on too fast. I've moved from circle to circle. from the people I met since orientation, then hanging out with nathan, then hanging out eith emi exploring new york, then hanging out with the kids of manga club, then hanging out with mel during finals, and then with kat and her gang.
I dont know if I have adhd or if I'm just never happy with the people I meet. Though its an experience meeting and being with them, I still feel like I'll never be satisfied with the company I'm provided with. Why? Because I get tired. It borders between honest similarites, forced laughs, and pushing myself to fit more into their circle and their type of personality.
I feel like I'm lying to myself more.
Though I always had the option of being by myself, I cant help bur feel pressured to say yes when they want to hangout with me. Its not my fault I'm so popular (haha I'm just kidding)
(kind of)
I dont know if maybe I'm different because I'm me, or I'm different because of my age. Or maybe I'm different because I'm not where I want to be. I'm not the senior multimedia student in CSB in the philippines hanging out and shopping with aurora, greta and erika.
I'm not that person. I'm a transfer freshman in pratt institute surrounded with kids who are mature and think they're mature but are still very naive. But I do admit are smarter than me. I'm not smart. I dont have a lot of common sense. I cant draw that well. I cant spell and I constantly abuse the engish language. I have no self control. I'm still foolish and easily teased and fooled. I'm not creative and I do not have a decent portfolio.
I tend to sit around wasting my time spacing out or looking at restaurant menus.
and I'll do admit more things.
I admit my lack of faith.
I admit my insecurities of not fitting but not wanting to fit in.
I admit my longing for my highschool years.
I admit my dissatisfaction of america and the days, weeks and months I spent and wasted.
I admit that I miss some people from way back when very much.
I admit that I dont think I'll ever grow up and I dont want to but I have to.
I admit I dont honestly, seriously have any attatchemnt to the people I'm hanging out with right now.
I admit I fake too many smiles.
I admit I fake too many laughs.
I admit I fake my gluttony.
I admit that I dont like anything that I've ever done.
and I admit that I am slowly losing myself to apathy and to something, or someone that isnt me.
Hello my 22nd year. I hope this one is a lucky one.
Labels: birthday, circles, college, contemplation, friends, school
