Saturday, May 20
|
wednesday was movie night.
it was comedy movie night. apparently, the movies we watched did nothing to ease the stupidity of the drama that is our lives.
some scenes and characters were echos of me and bizmark's soap opera.
I didnt remember what happened to me that morning anyway. i guess it was a calm day. I was supposed to be packing. but I took a drive to I-dont-know-where. in the middle of driving bizmark called and wanted to hang out.
how could I say no to my tragic soul-brother?
we watched movies till 7 in the morning. I was treated with ice cream and movie, thanks to bizmark.
Thursday, I cancelled my meet with bruce for brunch. and just spent the afternoon with bob to watch Brick (which was an awesome-ass movie by the way).
after hoagie and ice cream, I went home and packed some of my clothing.
I talked to bizmark in the evening about my situation with the said person. I'm mostly telling people because I cant figure out why I like him. because its insane to like a guy like that. I mean, like him in a non-one-night-stand way. I must be freaking mental.
thursday happened so fast. I forgot that thursday happened.
but the problem was friday.
friday, I had breakfast with bruce. completely clarified that we were just friends (thank god). short shopping trip with lauren that was hindered by time and lack of discount cards. trip to have my car's radio fixed (its free too!). met with rehanna and nia and talked about hot jap boys and going clubbing to get hot asian boys.
evening was my "going away party" which wasnt really a party but a small gathering of drinks. Only lauren got drunk. and good god. never get lauren drunk with guys again. and with a cell phone as a matter-o-factly.
I was only tipsy. it was weak. lauren was bombed after 2-3 smirnoffs. (whoever you spell it). I called up pete. funny. pete was with the said person. I told pete that I wanted to talk to him. and he wouldnt let me.
I called pete 4 times. 2 of the four leaving a voice message about his extra long voice message, him commiting sweet passinate man-love to said person (its just me, I'm fucked up) and whatever else I cant remember.
my phone rang an unfamiliar number. it was the said person. we talked back and fourth because the signal in bizmark's dad's house is weak. and apparently I dragged my pathetic ass back hanging in the gallows and blown off in not the most sexual context.
lauren took the phone and started talking to the said person. I felt like an item for auction as she explained to him my "good qualities." I'm trying to lose the guy and what the fuck are you doing?!
bizmark came to my aid soon and was so tempted to slap me silly because of my damn foolish act. I did this to myself.
and I still dont get why. am I a fucking masochist?!
we soon left bizmark's dad's house and went to rob's house. we chatted some more about how us nice people who want so little and simple things got crap. I ended up sleeping over in robs house at 3:50.
I later woke up at 7am. realizing: "holy shit. its not about me wanting to talk to him. this whole thing, trying to get his number back, was like a game to me. because now I have his number (again), and I still want to delete it."
...
oh by the way, I drive better when theres some alcohol in me.
and three times, about this whole crappy situation, someone said: "aww candalf is growing up."
fuck you. haha.
...
candalf: i like a man who loves his meat.
rehanna: and that can be taken in both ways. <3
Tuesday, May 16
|
I'm so fucking done with it. All this is building up for the departure.
Friday: friday afternoon was the time I was supposed to spend with <--> talking about the issue at hand. I was emotional. I was confused. I was funking annoying. I was ditched and forgotten for an errand. part of me was happy. part of my was sad and demanded an end. I replaced him with a nice soak at the tub. however, maybe I still wished to talk to him about it.
thus, I spent the evening with lauren and went to philly. I was insulted by a black dude in the train, bragging about his nursing career. telling me that I can fuck my way to the top of any career.
I was so fucking pissed, laughing and shaking my head, smiling, and happy with the thought that he'll die like the rest of us.
I figured we'd eat in a vegetarian restaurant. the imitation sweet and sour pork was divine. my awesome burp caught applause from the table behind us and later, company from two guys in their early thirties who are up for a stroll and a chat.
Met Aj and his buddy Drew. both knew each other form the pensylvania university of fine arts. and they are they awesomesause. you know those guys who you think are gay but arent. thats them and they are fucking awesome.
the brief chat and stroll was enjoyed and probability of meeting again was increased by an invitation. we're not picking up guys. Aj has his own lady love, I have issues with an asshole. and the 35 year old was hitting on my jailbait friend.
saturday:was work. afterwords, hanging out with lauren ensued. this time we went to deptford mall. this was my attept to forget about the said person. met bizmark and chris and their friend mike over the food court. went to the movies and apparently became dragged into the whole american soap opera of the millenium.
its complicated shit that I dont want to think of.
anyway. that was the night bizmark lost his wallet.
sunday: spent the morning with pete, chinese food, The Gamers, and ice cream. still trying to forget the said person. mopy and all.
spent the afternoon and evening with bob, tuna salad, guitaring and a walk around rite aid (like a mercury drug store but bigger). managed to have a decent day.
made the idiot mistake of calling said person 2 times and leaving one message.
monday:spent 3 hours of the morning with bizmark, looking for his wallet, got locked out of his car and had to jump start his battery.
the talk with bizmark left me with a conclusion to talk to said person and end it all. calling the said person made me realize I should just forget about it and just sever connections so I left a confusing message and just put down the phone.
spent the lunch with jim and mel and lauren. got called from said person and cancelled on a meeting i didnt remind him of because he was tired and feeling sick. I said, "ok."
the rest of the afternoon, I turned numb and sarcastic and insensitive, throwing bitter remarks with no meaning behind them.
later, Lauren confessed that she was also frustrated with the world. it made me happy that she expressed it. I was at one of my lowest lows. and she, apparently wasnt.
going home was hindered by the purchase of sweet treats. we were trying to remedy our hearts under the cloudy skies of philly. and soon, it hailed. it hailed like a mother-fucker.
my first experience of hail. chunks of ice around half an inch in diameter fell from the sky. we rushed ourselves to the train station. and then it hard, thick dropplets of rain poured down.
it was dramatic. it was cleansing. we were being baptized. blessed, even. i wanted slavation. i wanted justice. i wanted to cry and scream but didnt have the courage to. and then the sky just did it for me. it was beautiful.
we both giggled in the train. it was like a ritual. it was so fantastic. the emotions. the timing. the climax and the ending. it was like we were in a movie.
I tried hard again to swallow the swelling of homesickness that always lingers at the back of my mouth.
we're going to be in jersey city for the summer. we realized, fuck south jersey. fuck camden county college. fuck everything. I'm tired of being nice, sensitive and considerate when all i get is emotional drinage and false hopes.
after lauren, i visited my friend vitoria who is one of the few people that allows me to talk about the said person becasue she's having similar problems but to a more serious degree.
we talked and was joined by bizmark in the later eve. we shared bitterness and spite towards people and situations. towards the insane love-hate realtionships. towards longing and being mislead and lied to.
how did it all happen? I just wanted to be fucking happy. I was just trying to be less homesick.
Tuesday:I left victorias house after having only 2 hours of sleep. I went home and took a bath and enjoyed myself in the company of my nursing classmates.
afterwards, stopped by bob's house to watch The Gamers. Lauren called and told me joey wanted to see us. excited, i left as soon as we finished watching the movie. went back to my house, took a crap and left for lauren's place to pick her up.
we saw joey in borders. we missed the guy. but lauren missed him more than me. I missed him for nostalgia. I never had much in common for that mod kid. but I did enjoy his company and character.
we ended up walking over to hagfish's house and stayed in his smelly basement for the meanwhile just watching "meet the fockers." I was the idiot who went to myspace and saw the said person and his online sweetie's pic. I was the idiot who walked out of the house and called bizmark to share the feeling of confusion.
I didnt do much in hagfish's house. I didnt not like it, nor like it. I was mulling over uncertain feelings. I was wondering what I was numb about. I'd rather be sad about the said person than something I dont know about. because 95% of the time, I dont know what I'm numb about.
I didnt want to leave because lauren was having a fun time with joey. i thought it was cute and I felt like such a third wheel so i disappeared for the mean while.
later on, driving her back home. she commented in dislike for my insensitive tone.
...
to Lauren: I"m sorry. but for the past 45 hours, I've only had 2 hours of sleep. I havent even drank a single ounce of caffine the whole time. I'm sorry that when I'm tired, my arms become lazy and my driving becomes sloppy and abrupt. I'm sorry that I cant produce a pleasant sounding voice because I was so thirsty that my throat hurt when I talk. I'm sorry that I felt bad about myself when you had worse experience than me and I should have just smiled and pretended I was happy or sad and not be inbetween feelings. I'm sorry that my apathy was insensitive to you when it had nothing to do with you in the first place. I should have just kept it to myself.
next time, I'll be more sensitive. next time, I'll pay attention to you more. next time, I'll try my hardest to sound extra nice to you. next time, I'll stop mulling over my feelings and feel hurt because you're also hurt with your issues and my problems pale in comparison so I have no right to even complain about mine.
I"m sorry. I'll do better next time. all for you.
Saturday, May 13
|
Greta: greta. that... that actually sounds like an awesome plot... I'd actually help out to make a comic like that. just because I admire hitler and I'm all for the awkward foreigner killing white people.
sweetie, I need more that just some tlc from you. *wink*
oh greta, if I didnt love you, you would have been dead long ago. *huggles* sweetie.
Anyway, hope you feel better soon. And stop digging holes. it's not... healthy.
char: yea. maybe. *hmmm* but hell, what can I do? that woman still did a highly agreed unsatisfactory job.
aurora: thats true. speaking of white people, my white friends are demanding better reasons for me to hate them. I cant really think of any because they dont understand that being white in the first place is a major burn.
thanks for feeding me miyavi <3 oh god he's so pretty~! I usually get disturbed with the tatoos but his skin looks so smooth and pale it's a gorgeous canvas.
d00d. your mad internet skills are tre awesome. <3 you're my hero. and i love you for bringing me back to completely unattainable hot hot hot uber hot jap boys <3
...
guess what bitches. the oh so awesome me can now
drive in new jersey~ WHOOHO!!
...
NARUTO SPOILERS!!
to those who are reading the manga lately, sai's turn for the better doesnt justify that he's a fag with a mid-driff who is a rip off of seta soujirou. (who was, i think, my first love)
but yes. he became even more than a pussy now that he was earlier and I pretty sure he has the hots for naruto and just wants to see naruto happy.
excuse me sai. I think naruto deserves more than you. hell! more than sasuke. naruto deserves a real man. like the ever pretty boy itachi. BWAHAHAHAHA! let the gayness ensue!
...
candalf: why do you want to know?
person: because, i want to know whats going win with the people I know.
candalf: well, I only want to know whats going on with the people i care about, and its awesome that theres only a handful of them so its easy to keep track.
person: well, I"m honored to be in that list
candalf: *i didnt say you were in it.* yea...
it would have been the most awesome burn in history. but I didnt say anything. curses.
...
everything thats going on with me right now is so emo, its not worth typing. BUT SCHOOL IS DONE.
I'm uber sad that I wont be hanging around my nuring study buddies anymore. I really enjoyed their company though this semester though. and i feel loved whenever they say i suck that I'm leaving nursing and they dont want me to leave <3.
however, I really do hate nursing. and I dont want to leave just because of them. but I've also got friends over in the computer graphics area. but more creepy people reside there than the nursing area. >_>
so I pray for my survival.
...
and so the emo and the soap opera continues but its not as heavy as i once thought it was--- rather hardcore over heavy.
come summer, I'll be away from them and maybe everything will cool down. and if aurora was awesome, she'd visit me. T_T
VISIT ME! and we shall stalk jap boys in joy together. <3
...
seriously, being emailed the title, "sunshine on south street" added a tint of pink to my cheeks. (though it was mailed in the most platonic sense. I lack expressions of endearment and other platonic and fun terms from guys who dont like me in THAT sense.)
however, it can also be considerably racist since I am yellow. but hell, its a double edged sword.
...
friday morning was a failed bicycling lesson with lauren. she was supposed to teach me but her newly auction bought bicycle (which looked pretty old) was too tall for her.
a pass by at bob's place to share some garlic knotts from lauren's place that I was obsessed with.
and a supposed treat to lunch/dinner (rather linner, or dunch or lupper, or sunch) with dan that he forgot, so I replaced him with a nice soak in the tub, store hopping, a discovery that I'm wearing the wrong bra size, being poor from paying gas and a visit to philly.
On the patco (train to philly), there was a black guy who was obsessed with him being a nurse. obviously vain about his job, earning $40/hr and telling me not to quit nursing school.
as me and lauren neared our exit, the guy was telling me that I had a pretty face and that I can fuck my way to the top. he even went out of his way to pose, put one foot on the chair and say his hips.
I was so insulted and disrespected, it was funny. I was laughing, smiling and shaking my head thinking, "that mother-fucking will fucking die." that guy pissed me off so bad that I didnt even feel like bothering with him. so from a happy to appathetic to sour to appathetically bitter and sarcastic.
I felt bad for being so self-centered and decided to go to that vegetarian restaurant in china town that lauren always wanted to go to.
and from there I have tasted a very delivious imitation sweet and sour pork and gave the most awesome, disgusting burp known in human history.
it apparently attracted two friends talking to each other and a high five.
after eating, lauren started chatting with them and I invited myself over to the conversation. One was a teacher of pensylvania (however you spell it) of fine arts and the other was a human figure model and a nurse's aid.
they were very young acting despite their age (33 and 35) and were very intouch with their sexuality (metrosexual minus the extra pamper and is alright with physical contact). They were very interesting and we enjoyed ourselves for an hours talk while walking around south street.
but strangely Aj opened up more to me when I confessed about my plaguing troubles for a certain someone. I think its because he feared that i might like him and he's not interested. but I guess I cant blame him if that happens to him every time and he's fucking tired of it.
but EXCUSE ME. I have fucking high standards. even hot real jap boys only met half of those standards. thats why the guys I usually like are fictional.
dont you dare compliment yourself by thinking that I like you, because that's HIGHLY UNLIKELY.
...
seriously, I'm just sitting around, getting fat and eating ice cream. I should stop. But what is there to do?!
